31 053. Keeping a Secret

Everything is fire.

I burned, I burned, I burned under the thick layer covering me. I burned. It would swallow me and leave my bones. Only my bones. Next time you see me, I wont be there anymore. I will bring with me the three minutes of fire it took to eradicate all life inside of me. I will show you how my landscape got covered in thick burning lava. I will show you how it happened. How my soul got buried alive. I will come to you 10 nights and I will leave little pieces of my heart with you in your dreams. You can hold them if you like, but it wont comfort them. Its too late for that. You should have held me. No matter, never mind that.

When we meet I will have my cloud of ash with me. There I will hide and there will the bones of my soul rest.

If I sing of love again, it will be an echo a wind carried from the past.

I don’t know if its true that I loved you. I cant say that for sure. What I have now, the second past me and the second future me and this second me, we are close to identical. We are stone. Scattered bones in a cloud of ash. Everything is so dark here. But darkness is all we know. When the winds blow of the past, my eyes get covered with ash and I cant see. My ears get filled with ash and I cant hear. My mouth get covered with ash and my lips will never kiss you again. 

 I just wanted to make a joke that’s all. I hadn’t intended anything specific with it. It wasn’t a ‘move’ or a ‘play’. It was just me being a dumbass that’s all. Nothing to worry about. I didn’t intend to start a war with her. I didn’t want to steal his attention away from her. Whatever the fuck was going on here, I didn’t want any part of it. Not only did I regret it because it gave her a perfect opportunity to insult me with silence. I regretted how it might have made me seem like a desperate attention seeker. Now I all I wanted to do was to reject that image in all the ways that I could. I stopped glancing his way, just because I feared that I would have her eyes on me. I’m not gonna get in the middle of some romance drama or what they are up to. She certainly seemed interested in him. So when he spoke to me, I got scared. I got scared that it would increase her hostility against me. And I was right. 

But before it got to that he said “Do you like dinosaurs?” 

30 052. Deep in Thought

Everything is fire.

I looked at him as he was deep in thought. He didn’t see me. I had been observing him for some time. His nose, his chin and above all his eyes. He seemed troubled. He had looked my way a couple of times, but I felt like he had been looking through me. I wanted so desperately to come closer to him. I started to dream and the landscapes that floated by in my mind all got mixed up. That short time we had been sitting there I had already built myself full with dreams. I wondered what it would be like talking to him. I got up and went over to him, I sat down next to him and asked him about his coffee or about his drawing or said something stupid like hey, relax I’m not gonna ask you to draw me as a mermaid. But of course as I blushed with intense fire just thinking about it, I didn’t do any of that. I just sat there and admired him from a distance, it was pretty short. Way to short for me to feel comfortable staring at him. I had sat down on a small table close to a booth. It was the only table available that was a two seated one. I didn’t want to take up too much space. Notably annoyed he had sat down at the boot. He spread his things and books out on the table. He didn’t seem to worry at all about taking up too much space. He ordered a coffee and only that. Black he said and the waitress seemed to know this already. They exchanged a couple of friendly lines and she smiled. She touched her hair, twinned it and asked him a couple of stupid things like can you draw me as a mermaid.

“You don’t know what it s like to be me” she thinned her eyes and looked at me intently. Every night for the past week she had come to me in my dreams. Every night it was the same. She took me by the hand, led me to the garden. We walked and I grew increasingly dizzier from her touch. Finally everything but the back of her hand was a complete blur. Then she let go and I stood there for some time, swaying back and forth. When I finally touched the ground again and my soul had been returned to me, I looked at her. She smiled that smile, “3 minutes” she said “Don’t let go of me with your eyes, keep them right here” she said and nailed me down with her eyes. I got dizzy again. Surroundings blurring out and she sucked me in to that horrible scene again where she got drowned by lava, she was buried and burned alive. After the three minutes had passed she let go of me and again I was swaying. When I got a hold of myself she was still smiling. She reached into her chest, between the ribs and pulled out the black pulsating ball. That’s when I realize that we are standing on a hill. The moor stretching out around us. For every time we returned the ground seemed to be increasingly pulsating, as if every black ball she pulled out had gotten buried there in those barren lands. She left the ball by my feet and turned away slowly. That’s when I stopped her this time. I grabbed her sleeve lightly between my thumb and index finger. The last thing I wanted to do was to touch her when I wasn’t supposed to. She disliked being touched. She aggressively disliked it. I never got an explanation to why. I wasn’t sure that she knew. She kept repeating it, ‘I don’t like being touched’. She said it smiling or pulled back, she said it jokingly or with a slight agitated tremble on her voice, as if she was ready to bite your hand of if she had to. “Do you even know, anything about me at all” “I know you don’t like to be touched” “Then please get your hand off me” “Alright, I’m sorry, but please stay, talk to me will you? Tell me what’s going on. Why wont you take my calls, why wont you just… I want you to come back” “It doesn’t matter, nothing matters anymore, don’t you understand?” “No, no I really don’t, that’s why I want you to talk to me” “Do you even care about my feelings? You say you want me around, but did you ever consider what it does to me?” “Of course I care, what are you even talking about? What do you mean what it ‘does’ to you. Have I done something wrong. Im not sure what I did, but if I did something I’m sorry. Wont you tell me?” “Let…. Go… of me” I hesitated, opened my mouth but closed it again. There was something in her tone. If I didn’t let go of her sleeve, I risked having my hand cut off. So I sighed and let go. My arm fell helplessly down to my side. Alright I thought. Ok then. She walked away. And same as always I stood there watching her figure disappear and reappear as the hills rolled. When she was gone I sat down and looked at the little black pulsating ball. It slowly lost its vitality and the vibrations calmed. Like waves evening out after a storm. I sat there until it was completely still and the threads shooting out of it wrapped themselves tightly around the surface. It grew cold, hard and, even tho it seemed impossible, even darker. I reached out and lifted it up. It was too heavy for me to lift with one hand only. I put it in my lap and looked at it, just looked at it for some time. I eventually fell asleep with it in my lap. In my dream I closed my eyes and imagined you walking back. Walking slowly back over the hills. Before you reached me I would have fallen asleep, and I would be dreaming in my dream. Then while I was sleeping there, on that hill with nothing but the moor of barren land around me, you would reach me. You would sit down by my sleeping dream body. For some reason I would have my hair grown out. Perhaps because I knew you liked it that way. You put your hand on my forehead, as to check if I had a fever, then you would run your fingers through my hair.

29 051. Sport

"You dont know, what its like
to be me"

28 050. Breaking the Rules

They tried to catch me with friendly invites. Make me theirs. I had left the loving distant arms of my god, I had lost my religion. But I didn’t turn into the seeker they would expect. I wasn’t lost. I was losing, but I wasn’t lost. Without a mother, without a spring to cling to, thirsty but not sipping for drops. I wanted to become my own well. And nothing would fill it like you could. So I politely rejected the offers. They couldn’t possibly know how deeply it craved, how wholly it would have to be cemented. Their affection would simply slip through the cracks and again fill the surroundings to feed a flower or a tree. But my core had been emptied. I needed the warmth of fluid lava. I was cold like Mars in the black of night. As I turned away they wouldn’t survive a minute. Only the ghost of you could walk these barren lands. Only the ghost of you could get an undisputed truth. Perhaps you wouldn’t want it. And perhaps you would walk away, silently slide to the side, keep in your course firm just like the rest. 

So be it. 

This is all I have, the deep empty well craving unspeakable things. 

Close as your ear pressed up on my breast and we cant tell our beats apart.

27 049. Stripes

“Whats the point with life if you don’t treat the ladies nice” he said as if it was the most natural thing in the world. I smiled and felt the atmosphere got milder. The wind didn’t handle me so harshly, it carried me forward and played with my hair. The asphalt took my steps and sent me off with a gentle push. People smiled behind their grumpy everyday faces. Music played. I suddenly felt silly for worrying so about the future. Things would work out. They always did.

26 048. Childhood

I protested when she told me her plans. ‘That’s very dangerous’ I said. I had asked her not to, as far as I could ask her anything. ‘I mean, I can’t tell you what to do’ she didn’t listen. She didn’t need me to tell her I couldn’t tell her what to do. Just as little as the sun could tell the flower not to grow to fast, so that it wouldn’t die too soon. ‘What is too soon’ she would have said with a displeased frown. ‘What the fuck do you know about my life. Your not here every day to go through the minutes with me. What do you know about my pain’ I said nothing and only wished in vain that she would change her mind. She had seemed fine when I left her. She always seemed fine. I would leave her sleeping soundly wrapped up in her dreams. I would leave her happily panting. I would leave her with a piece of text or with colours floating in her mind. I would leave her with the warmest of promises already fulfilled as the connection was cut.

These things lasted for a good while, but the ashes would turn on them too. And off she went; she seemed to have been making an effort to speed up the time of intersection and slingshot herself further away from me. She had made up her mind and there was no way I could slow her down without crashing into her.

‘Quiet’ she said pressing her finger up against her lips. The lava floated out and seemed to have no end. I sat and watched it cover the lands, the garden, swallowing the trees burning up their crowns, hissing over the oceans. I watched and she stared into my eyes as hers went black. Where it once had been green mixed with blue and browns like a autumn park, turned red and finally black. All black. She kept her finger against her mouth and I felt as if it was mounted on my lips, keeping them closely sealed. My eyes teared up and I cried. For the first time in years I actually cried. Tears streamed down my face as if clearing my eyes from the black drowning hers. And it did clear me. All that had been building up, every single dark thing was flushed out. My oceans were clear, the clouds in my skies once again was just water gatherings. Nothing was threatening; it all seemed to have its place. The storms I had feared cleared up and became one long ripple along the ocean floor. While she grew increasingly darker, I cleared up and my body got lighter. She plummeted towards the pits of darkness and I shot up to soar in weightless light. 3 minutes later and she just smiled still. The whole time she smiled. I forgot what I wanted to say. I forgot what we had been talking about. I forgot where we had been, what we had been, and she just smiled. When it ended she smiled as if she was painfully aware of what I had become oblivious of. And I couldn’t understand why she was suffering so. As she blinked the eyes got their colour back. Slowly she lifted her eyelids but I felt like her eyes was fixated on me the entire time, simultaneously she wasn’t there once they met mine again. And just like that. With a slow blink of her eye. She was gone.

25 047. Creation

She put her finger up against her lips and hushed me. Looking up at the clock then back at me. We sat there in intense silence for three full minutes. Now that might not sound like much but just listening to the clock, seconds ticking away, lets say they didn’t move fast. Then she broke the silence. ‘Ok. You were saying?’ ‘Well I eh, I’m not sure’ ‘Good’ she said and her smile got bigger. Wait, that’s what she was trying to achieve. She took a slice of the finely cut up meat on the plate and looked up again. This time she stared right into the camera as she put the slice in her mouth. Chewing it she had an expression as she was thinking intensely about something. I could see her floating away, her body suddenly felt empty.

24 046. Family

I went down to sit by the lake for a while. The sky was calm and slowly shifting colour, but the water, the water was upset. Black edges broke off the baby blue and soft pinks.

The leafs and the branches on the trees made little movements, playing with the wind. It was cold. It was very cold. My fingers stiffened almost instantly as soon as they poked their tips out of the sleeves. I had to stop the writing several times to rub them against each other. I took a couple of sips of the tea I had brought with me and looked out over the lake where the swans swam close to the edges in hope for a piece of bread. People enjoyed feeding them, and they enjoyed the free feast.

23 045. Illusion

I was fragile, cold and transparent like an icicle. If you held me too long, I would transform into something else. I’d be even harder to keep.

I wouldn’t let you touch me unless it was barehanded and your skin carefully soothing up against me. My cold surface would eventually make you feel like yours was on fire. And I would start to melt, small particles of me slipping through your fingers. I would change, lose parts of myself, and I would happily do so just to be with you. I was ready to disperse, I was ready to disappear, but you weren’t ready to let me go. So you had me just like that, didn’t touch me and wouldn’t let anybody else either. So I was lonely just like this, I wouldn’t let you get close, because it never was close enough, and I didn’t let anyone else either. I suffered and you just kept me. You kept me and left me in that shell to shiver and shake from the edge of a roof. I couldn’t let go because I was waiting for you to come back and catch me.

I don’t know where you have gone to and why you have to be so far away. I don’t know why the spring still hesitates. But it seems the cold is always here with me. Keeping me company when you wont. 

I was tormented by a heavy sadness. And the more I tried to ignore you, the more I anxiously waited for a word from you. I was carefully taking steps away, increasing the distance. I still saw your silhouette on the horizon. I couldn’t tell if you were standing still, following me or walking away. It was at this crucial hour, any of that could be true, but with wildly different futures as result. I tried to prepare for losing sight of you and never seeing you again. But I couldn’t believe it. You wouldn’t let me go. You wouldn’t. Would you? Perhaps we just had enough. You got tired of the game and found someone else to play with. I was so depressed I didn’t know what to do with my self. I turned off the notifications so I wouldn’t see when you wrote to me. That resulted in me checking the status every half hour. I had made it worse. I tried to make it less painful, and I had made it worse. Perhaps it was just a matter of getting used to the new situation. When you wrote I wouldn’t answer, not straight away. It could take hours. Sometimes I’d see your message then close it and stretch until I couldn’t bare it anymore. Then I answered as casually as I could. Often replicating the tone you used to answer me. Casual, friendly but disengaging. I have no idea what I tried to accomplish. I couldn’t play the game like you did. I had no natural talent for it and I didn’t enjoy it at all.

This was far too confusing and honestly it broke my heart several times over. I couldn’t get out of bed. I didn’t enjoy eating. Not even drinking had any appeal to me. Usually when the weekend came around I’d feel at least a small indication of a spark. The troublemaker in me would smile widely and rub its hands, saying: ‘Hey, how about we make some trouble ey.’ But I didn’t feel like it. Even the troublemaker lay subdued and swept up in a heavy blanket of boredom and apathy. We didn’t care. We didn’t care about anything. Not even making trouble. We simply didn’t care about any of it.

 

22 044. Two Roads

The way you played me was so subtle, so patiently discrete. It made me think a man with actual emotions, a man in love couldn’t possibly be that tactically decisive. The chemicals would inevitably have you make a bad decision or spill some beans that should have been eaten raw to hide the evidence. But no, you moved without hesitation, without effort, without special care, elegantly like a ballroom dancer. And you switched styles with ease. 
All I could do really, was to watch you in total and desperate awe.

21 043. Dying

Where the fuck am I, I thought as I stepped out on the street. I started to walk in the direction I think the cab had rolled in from. I wasn’t sure. Actually I could be pretty sure I was wrong. On the other hand, I wasn’t completely sure I wanted to go the direction of the party at all. Then again, did it matter. I laughed to myself, a coarse short laugh. Fuck it. I walked while smoking the cigarette just enjoying the fresh morning afternoon whatever the fuck it was. Again, who cares. When I finished the cigarette I reached down in my pockets to see what treasure laid there. Aw ye my ipod. I forgot that I had decided to take it along. Just in case. Just in case I’d end up sleeping in a random place random part of town and I had to go for a walk. I plugged my earbuds in and turned the music on. ‘Alright babes’ I thought pressing shuffle ‘what you got for me today’. Mmm the horns and then the soft whisper of Al Green “Lets stay together” yeaaa baby. I swagged down along the street. I could use another beer I thought and as if the magic fairy fuckin mother had decended and put some of her blessings on my account, just at that moment I spotted a bill laying on the sidewalk. Just laying there, a 10 pound note, not a soul around. That’s my kind of jam I thought, picked it up and five meters ahead did a sharp left into a kiosk. Before the song ended I was back on the concrete grind with a beer in my hand. 

Life was good.

“Ok, so hang on a second, your telling me you didn’t bang her?” “No, dude, I didn’t ‘bang’ her. I played and she fell asleep on the floor. Nothing happened” “Yea absolutely nothing but her being all over your dick in the elevator, and you are telling me that once you got into the apartment you just chilled out and had a couple of beers, played some videogames and that’s it?” “Yea man, that’s what im telling you. We were just chilling. “And then she left? “Then she left” “Well, you got her number right?” “…” “Don’t tell me you didn’t ask for her fucking number, what are you a complete retard? What about the others, the ones in the cab, they must have her number right.” “I called Brian up, he said he don’t have it. They barely know her. He said he might know someone who knows her email or some shit like that. And he said she doesn’t have a phone.” “Bullshit.” “That’s what he said.” “Well, mate. You fucked up.” “Yea I know I fucking fucked up.” “Maybe she’ll come back, to rub some more on your cock, do that bunny rubbing you know hehe.” “I don’t think so man.” “Why, was she mad?” “No, she kinda just walked out. No hard feelings, and more like, no feelings at all, she just walked as if we had known eachother for ages. She didn’t even say good bye. Like she was walking out to buy smokes.” “So did you check outside? Maybe she is standing on the sidewalk waiting for you to open the fucking door haha.” “She walked.
Im pretty sure she walked.”

I turned and walked away from you. Because, I don’t know fucking up from down anymore. I don’t know who you are. And I’m pretty sure something went wrong somewhere. Now I’m just drifting around at random, connecting and disconnecting without really being involved in any of it. I stopped trying to hold on to you, stopped being afraid of losing you, stopped being afraid of missing signs, stopped being afraid of not playing it right, and frankly, stopped caring. 

I had gone through all the stages of mourning and was a the very last stage of ejecting the tumour. I felt like I had been on a 5 day booze marathon, and that might be right. I stopped counting. I walked into one party, left and fell into another. I might kiss a guy, I might go a bit further, but I didn’t enjoy it much, I didn’t invest a lot in it and I soon got bored. The whole time, these past couple of weeks, the elevator kiss was the only one where I paused and took some time to feel. That guy was hot as fuck.

Oh well. I had quit. I was done. I was so tired of the games. I was emotionally dead. I lived and breathed, but you had killed me.

But, of course, I forgive you. Always I do forgive you.

20 042. Standing Still

I was riding a cab home from the party with three other people. When they stopped at my house they kicked the girl out in the slightly oversized bunny costume. “Your taking care of this one” they said. She didn’t fight it and stood apathetic on the street looking at nothing in particular as the cab with the couple doing the porno style backseat of a car make out drove away. 

“Well, ok… I live right here, you’re welcome to crash if you want to. I have a couch.” I said. The bunny said nothing, didn’t move a muscle. Only a slight wavering motion as if she was standing on a boat on mildly rocking waters. Her flat chest moved up and down and I could barely make out her tiny breasts under the costume. She wasn’t wearing a bra and her nipples poked out slightly. I got a hard on and turned quickly towards the door. “Do what you want” I said but then I heard her footsteps following me up the stairs. We got into the elevator. It was a small narrow elevator and she pressed herself further in than she needed to. She looked up at me. I could see her blue and green eyes staring indifferently at me from behind the mask. She lifted her left arm, the long sleeve dangling from her hand. She didn’t bother to pull it up. She stood there staring into my eyes for a good two minutes before I realized what she was waiting for. “Eh 7, its floor 7 yea the… button with the 7 on” this was going great. She pressed the button and the elevator slowly wormed itself up the building. She had let me go with her eyes and was staring straight ahead. She was standing so close to me, I bet she could feel my boner. She pulled up the metal mask to the top of her head once we were half way and turned to me. “You are fucking hot as shit” she said with a slight slur on her voice. A bit unsteadily she raised up on her toes leaning against me, pulled my mask up just above my lips. She put her other hand behind my neck and pulled me in for a kiss. It was somewhat sloppy but honest, slow and intimate. Then she pulled away a little and licked my upper lip while she looked straight into my eyes. Holy shit. “That costume is hot as fuck” she said “Oh.. eh, thanks” I didn’t know what to answer. She slid down on her heels again her body rubbing against my crotch and I let out a deep sigh. Then she turned back to original position, wiped her mouth with her wrist, sleeve dangling. She looked incredibly fucking cute. When the elevator came to a halt she pulled down her mask again. She walked out as the doors opened and stood in the hallway staring at nothing at all like an obedient dog. I pulled on my boxers and pushed my cock to the side and walked out. “Right down here” I said. “Its messy, just so you know. I didn’t expect company” she said nothing. I opened the door and walked in. 

She stood in the corridor as if waiting for permission to enter. The light suddenly went out and I must admit, I had some trouble asking the bunny from Donnie Darko to please enter my apartment in the middle of the night. I was drunk and the light from the table lamp in the hallway lit up the mask in the worst thinkable way. Plus I could see her in the reflection of the hallway mirror. Why had I let my mom put that thing up. I never used it. All it ever did was make me feel uncomfortable. And right now it was scaring the shit out of me. Good news was, it calmed down my dick. We stood there for a while just staring at each other before I managed to get my shit together. “Hey eh, why don’t you come in. You.. you want a beer” “Sweet man, yes fucking please” she said with obvious relief. I thought I could spot a mischievous look in her eyes, as if she was aware the she looked scary as fuck in this lighting. Then my eyes wandered over her breasts again and the boner was back in the split of the next second.

I went to the fridge and took out two beers. Thankfully my cousin had left a six pack at his last visit. At the time I had annoyingly told him I wouldn’t drink them and that he should take them with him. He had smiled as if he had known and said “hey, they might come in handy” patted my arm and left. What the fuck was that supposed to mean I had thought as I closed the door after him. When the fuck does beer ‘come in handy’, stupid motherfucker. 

Well, turns out he was right for once. I gave her one of the bottles and sank down in the armchair on the other side of the table. She was sitting in the middle of the couch, looking extremely relaxed. She turned her head back and gulped down about half of the beer, and wiped her mouth with her wrist again, sleeve dangling. “That was just what I needed” “Hey...” she said with slight hesitation looking at the ashtray on the table “Yea eh, you want one?” “If you don’t mind” “Not at all, mi casa es su casa” I threw the pack over to her end of the table and she reached for it. Sleeves dangling. Holding it in one hand she shook the other free of the sleeve and pulled one out. She put the cigarette sideways in her mouth as she dug deep in her right pocket and snatched up a lighter. She took the cigarette again and placed the filter between her lips and clicked the lighter. Inhaled closed her eyes resting her head against the back of the couch and let out the smoke slowly as if she enjoyed every second of it. I sat and watched her mesmerized. What a girl. “Hey, are you hungry” “Hungry for what” she said with a childish grin and a  cheeky glimpse in her eyes. I laughed and rubbed the back of my neck. “Nah, I’m not hungry man, thanks anyways. I should probably just crash. I had a long fucking day.” “Alright, well tell me if there’s anything you need ok?” “Sure will" she said and watched the puffs of smoke as they rose. “You mind if I play for a while?” I said and pointed towards the tv. “Oh dear lord, please do” she said and threw herself down on the couch facing the tv. Beer in one hand, cigarette in other attentively watching as I turned on the playstation.

19 041. Teamwork

‘I’m sorry, I wont disturb you much. Right now I just really need sit next to someone concentrating as hard as your are.’  

She looked up from her computer half stuck in the text still. If she spoke now, words from the screen will float out like bubbles and burst into little pixel drops, rain down on the table, wet up the napkin and dilute the coffee. And she had just ordered a piece of lemon pie. Didn’t want that to get spoiled. So she kept her mouth clammed shut. But she smiled. ‘Its something about his voice’ she thought. It sounded familiar. 

‘Emmm wow ok’, she said after a little while once she connected to the outside world. She signalled towards a chair next to her, obviously feeling uncomfortable if they had to sit facing each other. ‘Wow, yea ok, a pitch like that how can I say no, ey?’ She was in a playful mood and obviously didn’t feel threatened. There was still a disengagement in her tone, showing that she wasn’t about to drop her project for some random idle chit-chat. She jugged down the sorry remains of her cold coffe and started to rearrange cup and glass and plate. ‘You know I usually spread out a lot worse, I must have had a feeling someone might wanna join me. Or I’m just lonely heh…’’ yea so… anyway go ahead.’

‘What ya working on there?’

‘It’s eh.. well.. it’s a book actually’

‘Wow a book? You’re a writer?’

‘Woa ok, slow down now haha. Well I guess that’s fair to assume when I say I’m working on a book. Its eh… Well.. There’s this thing called NaNoWriMo, you write a novel in a month’

‘A month?!’

‘Hah, yea crazy, I know. Supposedly once you hit 50 k it can be labelled as a novel. But its a novel written in a month, it’s a fast paced project right. I’m kinda messy in general with my writing, and eh… jolting it all down in a month, you can imagine. So what I’m doing is I’m trying to sort it out. Adding things, alooot of cutting out random bullshit you know.’

‘So you got 50 000 words there? How many pages is that?’

‘Well eh, I reached about double that, 105k em 174 pages and a third down on 175.

I guess I had a lot of stories to tell. And time to write it all down, you know. But like I said, I have to cut a lot of it out.’

‘Tonight is a good night for cutting.’

‘Ah, true so true. So you want a coffee?’

‘I’m gonna let an poor starving writer buy me coffee? Hell no, I’m buying. What are you having?’

‘Just black. Black and strong like’

‘the devil’

‘Yea… like the devil. Thanks’

The cogs in her head was turning down to the core of her inner works. Her brainwaves pulsated so violently that the people on the table at the other side of the room paused in their midnight snack and beer and looked over at her. She pretended she didn’t notice them staring, or didn’t actually notice. She just turned back to her screen rubbed her chin bone like she had a beard and thinned her eyes. Picking, dissecting, adding subtracting. When he came back with the coffee to the table, she barely looked up. Gave a nod when he set down a coffee and that was all the communication that they had for the next two hours or so. When she finished her coffee he got up and refilled it. Making sure she had water as well. She dropped a piece of the lemon pie in her lap. He handed her a napkin and she took it without so much as looking at him. Her eyes fixated the screen and she tapped away with one hand, trying to fish up the little bit of pie in her lap. Sometimes she broke off the writing on the computer and wrote something down in the notepad next to the computer. Her writing was absolutely unreadable. But she could obviously decipher it since she would lean over it every now and then when she had returned to the writing on the computer, smile and nod as she picked up threads and knitted it into the pages on the screen.

After the two hours of intense work she paused and leaned back in her chair. She looked at the screen and read a couple of lines over, did the nodding and smiling again and stretched her arms in the air.

‘I take it its going well’ he asked looking up from his book.

‘Yea man, it is. Surprisingly well. I don’t know, there is something about having someone sitting with you, you know. I mean, I don’t mind being alone, sometimes I prefer it. But with someone beside me I don’t have to worry about people thinking I’m a weirdo you know. Not that I worry that much about it, I don’t really care, but it’s just an annoyance I’d rather be without some days, you know. And I don’t have to worry about being approached. Its just a relief some days. Like now, it was perfect; I got so much work done. Its great.’

‘Well, I’m glad I could help’ He said and laughed ‘Make sure you mention me in the special thanks’

‘Hah, sure will do, would be my pleasure. What’s your name by the way?’

‘Jamal’

‘Hi, I’m Josie, nice to meet you’

‘Yea, nice to meet you too’ ‘A pleasure indeed’ she added and smiled towards the screen, arms crossed and a slow nod.

18 040. Rated

“…could what?”

 “Make something”

 “Man, really? You just don’t quit do you.”

 “Okok, I’m done. I’m too excited that’s all. I’m sorry”

“You’re excited about my soul suffering. My existential crisis makes you excited. 

Your fucked up, you know that”

“Yea.. I know. I know. 

So… what do you feel like doing? You wanna grab a coffee? There’s this place just around the corner, great wifi, open all night. Decent coffee, nice tables and perfect lighting. Damn, I just sold that to myself. You know what, I’m going. Call me up if you wanna join me ok? Ill be there in about 10. Probably be staying all night. I got a shit lot of revising to do. My book still looks like a messy pile of pumpkin pie.”

“Alright, catch you later then”

“Ok, you take care of yourself now”

“Alright I will. Have fun”

“Catch you later”

“Bye”

17 039. Dreams

It was the very first words that fell out of me that day. The very first ones. Well, a steady flow of words always ran through me like a river that seem to be connected to my blood. As long as that would be pumped around, so would the river flow. However, sometimes that river would seem deep and dark and almost too calm. Usually it would be so in the mornings. I couldn’t always be sure if it was my fear painting it, or if the river actually changed colour. Anyway, no point in going too close before I was ready to swim and fight for my life if necessary. The currents are sometimes hidden, and you can never know what you will find lurking at the bottom. I could never know whether or not I would get swept up by a wave of self-destruction. This could be a small and subtle one, just about touching a pebble on the bank, not even lifting it. It would still risk carrying me away.

16 038. Abandoned

I hung up and looked at the screen for a minute to... I don’t know, perhaps give him a chance to reply. Give him a chance to call me up again. I don’t know how I would have reacted if he did. And it was true what I had told him, nothing he could say or do at this point, would make me trust him again. My mind had rocketed away and was already drifting in space. The nausea I felt was probably from the hyperspeed, timewarp fucking wormhole travel. 

Ok, that’s it. It was over. 

I clicked on his name and blocked it. 

Over. It was over.

Its funny how it felt like he had left me. He had failed to fall in love with me, I guess. And I had to do the characteristic dramatic exit. If I didn’t it wouldn’t be me… I guess.

Oh well, another one bites the dust… heh…. Yea… 

Ok beer. 

We will need a lot of beer. 

A lot.

Goddamnit, connection lost. 

It was way too soon. I had spent a lot of time building this character up and now I sat there, on the other side of the fucking ocean in a big empty house and no way of contacting her. Like she said, she would never trust me like this again. It was over. The other channels I had were all broken and abused already. We burned the bridges too fast.

Well. Ok.

Fuck.

15 037. Eyes

‘Perhaps it’s something about the eyes’ I said and gave it a long good thinkthrough. Most people have a type, a put together image of what likes and dislikes varying in clarity. Some would be very specific and say tall blond guy with this and that haircut and add any number of attributes physical aswell as personal. I used to find it kinda funny answer that question. What is my type. And I’d pick a couple of vague things, consciously or subconsciously all connected to the latest flame of mine. But in reality it had little to do with why I fell for them. Its all constructed afterwards, I pick bits and pieces, cherries and paper plates. Its none of that, none of the superficial things. Not even the deeper more philosophical things or needs that need to be met. Its none of that. If its not you, im not having any of it. It could be a man almost identical to you, he could look like you and give me the same sweet and sour treatment. It wouldn’t matter at all. If I knew what it was, that little magical click that makes me fall for you, I would probably spill it. And once I spilled it, it could perhaps be replicated and imitated. If it could be imitated I would lose all trust in me, and we risk it would lead to me not ever letting you get close like that again.

Its not so bad, the thought of living alone you know. Something I fear more is settling with someone I couldn’t love as deeply as I love you.

14 036. Precious Treasure

‘I saw a girl that was just your type today’ ‘You did? Was she cute?’ ‘Yes she was very cute, dark hair, dark eyes, nice make up, not too big breasts, and she had a cute sixties kind of styled ribbon in her hair, black slim jeans with holes just under the knees’ ‘Nice ass?’ ‘Yea im sure she had a nice ass, I didn’t look, black cordovan shoes…’ ‘She does sound super cute. Did you talk to her? ’’No’'You should have gotten her facebook or something so I could see her pictures' 'Yea..heh..'

there was silence for a while ‘Ok look, I cant do this.’ ‘Do what?’ ‘You know how you called my way of travelling self torture, its not, its really not, I know you don’t believe me, but I assure you. You know what’s self torture to me?’ ‘No, what?’ ‘This’ ‘What do you mean “this”’ ‘Talking to you, that’s self torture. I honestly don’t know why im doing it, its retarded.’

No reply ‘ Ok, I think I said enough… I’m gonna go, yea.. eh.. do.. stuff. I talk to you later ok?’ ‘ Em, ok.’ ‘Take care of yourself alright? Since you wont let me do it, can you at least try to do it yourself ya? Please? Well, I guess if you don’t want to, it won’t happen. Whatever, I’m not gonna engage in this, I’m pulling out. Have a good one ya?’ ‘Ok.. well.. bye’ ‘See you’ I clicked him off and a long slow hardhitting facepalm followed. I think it carried on all day. 

One long all day all night 24 hour facepalm.

13 035. Hold My Hand

I looked down on my hands with a hurt expression and my eyes teared up. I pushed my nails into the soft bit connecting to the thumb and pressed my eyes closed. 

If she had been in front of me, if she had said it to my face I would have kept my cool with out any greater effort. And I would perhaps had lit a cigarette, or mentally done so anyways, and said something arrogant like 

‘Ok, well, thanks for sharing your opinion. I was aware when writing that not everybody would be able to relate to the text..’ 

‘Its funny how you say juvenile tho. What is, exactly, the difference between a young lovelorn and a grown up one.’ 

‘I feel like what makes you say that is a teenage romance, is the overall sensation of powerlessness. This is a general state of mind you go through in your teens, right. The grown-ups have all power, and you are left with all this frustration, right. 

But have you really never been that in-love with anyone in your adult life? After you moved out and can assert some mild form of imaginary power, have you never felt like you were under the spell of someone else.’ 

‘I honestly feel sorry for you, if you never felt that kind of heart wrenching love. As painful as it is, it’s a mindwobbeling experience. And I honestly think its good for you. That kind of love would let you dive deep into the soul of another person if they allow it, and deep into yourself simultaneously. You push your boundaries and reach a new level of acceptance. Feeling that deeply and strongly about anther person will put you in a position where you can go that deep, because you are not afraid of what you might find. That strong sort of indefinable kind of love, of bond between you and your feelings will not break, will not weaver no matter how foul things get. You will come out on the other side, after that person took you though the depths of their hell and you will find that you still love them. Whatever you found during the way was things that build up that person. You don’t start to dislike a house you love with beautiful exterior and lovely decoration and perfect lighting because you find out that the basement really scares the shit out of you. The things that are above stays the same. You think that the darkness of the basement will start to spread and catch you off guard during a lovely Sunday dinner. Perhaps your imagination is a little bit too wild and I would advice you to confront your fears. Perhaps spend some more time in the basement until you become more familiar with the things down there ya?’

But she wasn’t infront of me. What I had infornt of me was a screen with some text on it. The text was shooting in all kinds of directions, springing from some kind of truth and then lazering right out to space. Zoom. Where was I in all of this, I thought. Where was the dialogue. Where was the conversation. 
It wasn’t a conversation of course. It was a outlet and I felt like a trashcan.

12 034. Stars

The words would look naïve and simple at a glance, but it wasn’t about the words, it was about what was forming between us. It was something invisible, something untouchable for others.

11 033. Expectations

He stood in the rows of books balancing a huge tower of novels with little to no effort. I looked at him in awe while he carefully and orderly inserted book after book to its rightful place. His patience above anything was what really touched my heart. I suddenly got nervous that he would look at me and enquire if I needed any help. I wouldn’t want to disturb him in his task if my feet was on fire. So I grabbed a book at random from the shelf and kept observing him from the corner of my eye. This was disturbingly unsatisfying since I wasn’t wearing my contacts and outside my glasses could catch little detail. So I setteled for listening to his controlled movements and trying to wrap my mind around his scent.

He was a tall handsome guy with immaculate taste in clothing. Subtle and stylish without screaming for attention. I looked at him as he walked away. I could feel my cheeks burn as I caught myself looking at his ass. Hey, its not my fault, it happened to be a very nice ass. His hair was closely cut and usually I would prefer the long tanged hair. But on him the close cut was gorgeous. He wore simple glasses, and had a serious look on his face, as though he felt old or was concentrating really hard on something. After he put most of the books in place he stopped sometwhere in the middle. He turned the book over and read the back. Then he carefully set the remaing stack down and opened the book. He read the first pages slowly and turned them almost with a caress. His nails were slightly long and would definielty have me put off on anyother guy. But again, on him it just seemed to be right. Every thing fell into place on him. Even his blinking seemed to follow a perfect pattern and I bet that if I could hear his heartbeat, that would sound like the sweest symphony. My heart would make a fitting subwoofer for a rave at the rate it was going. I had started to sweat and I prayed, yet again that he wouldn’t notice me staring. After he excamined the first pages which usually contained publisher and stuff like that he read the first page of the first chapter, then he opened the book somewhere in the middle and read a couple of sentences. He nodded pleased and let a small smile play over his face. I so desperately wanted to know what the page said to make him smile like that. I wanted to be able to say something that would make him smile like that. Looking at him I thougth it to be impossible that I would ever reach his level. Still a girl is allowed to dream, isn’t she. My worst fears was answered when he looked up and noticed me standing at the other end of the row. In vain I summoned up all the sense and precance I had left, which wasn’t much I may add, and tried to calm myself. With every step that he got closer the dizzier I felt. At this rate I’ll faint before he reaches me I thought. Yep, I’m gonna faint, bye cruel world, sayounara. Damnit, all I wanted to do was to quietly observer a cute guy in the library. Standing in a corner just minding my own business. What had I done to deserve this humiliation of him talking to me and forcing me into a situation where the only thinkable result would be me making a fool out of myself. No doubt that he was out of my league and no doubt that he saw and acknowledged this fact. ‘Ok, mister’ my desperation turned into feist and I straightened my back. It was millimetres of difference on the outside, and lightyears on the inside. I had stepped into a whole nother world, I was a queen here, I was a goddess. I was amazing in all my oozy smelly sweatiness, my slightly awkward clothing style that was close to going somewhere, but just not quite hitting the target. My hairy legs, bad skin and strange hairdo. I’m cool, I’m ok. ‘You ok?’ he said as if reading my thoghts, ‘can I help you with something?’ he had a friendly tone and a soft comforting voice. I really felt like he honestly wanted to help me. ‘You know,’ he put his elbow on the shelf and leaned in as if telling me a secret ‘ we have a excellent dinosaour section right on the other side here’  I surprised myself with a loud giggle, put my hand up to my mouth to cover my smile, coughed and braced myself ‘Really?’ I looked at him with a put on serious face ‘tell me more of this treasure’ ‘You see, they try to hide them among the kids books. If they didn’t, there would be absolute chaos. Do you know what black Friday is?’ there it was, I lost my cool, giggling like a schoolgirl. He kept on going ‘only a few people know about this, I trust you to treat this information with care.’ ‘I wouldn’t want be responsible for people dying in a book frenzy’ I nodded thoughtfully ‘there you go, you got it. Ok so this stays between you and me. I could loose my job you know’

Before he reached the end of the sentence I had asked him out for coffee in about ten different ways, went to the movies with him, had sex and tried 5 different positions, bought a cabin and lived out our lives in peace and happiness. He paused and looked at me with a curious expression. I blinked away the dreams and put the book I had forgot I had in my hands back in place. ‘Well ok, thank you’ I said ‘ appreciated’ and with a comic salute I started to walk away. He looked a bit surprised but didn’t try to stop me. I guess that’s not the usual response he would get. I bet guys like that are used to girls swarming around them until they decided that the conversation was over. How ever, the moment before he approached me, I had transformed into a queen. A smelly awkward one, but still a queen. I didn’t want something offered to 10 girls before me and 10 more girls to come. I didn’t mind watching him from a distance, but I didn’t want that kind of heat, I didn’t need that kind of heartbreak in my life. I resumed to breathe in the magic of the library and soon I didn’t even care if he had followed me with his pretty eyes as I had walked away from his charms like his jedi tricks had no power over me.

After a little while still, I started to miss him of course. I missed the conversations we could have had, I missed having his eyes focused on me, I missed his smell. I felt a violent desire rise in me and I was sweating again. I grabbed a book and sat down by a table. Furtunately it was a philosophy book and it manage to grab my attention enough for me to stop the pulsating warm sensation between my legs.

A familiar sent woke me up from my deep dive into the words of the book. A chill went trough my body and the warmth returned. Somewhat annoyed I rubbed my legs together and sighed. Goddamnit. I ruffled my hair with my hand and scratched a undefined spot somewhere on my arm to try to get rid of the discomfort. Ok, enough. I took a deep breath and tried to find that place again where I actually had some control over my body. That’s when I became aware that someone was sitting a chair down from me. I felt the nausea hitting me again. He had gathered a new tower and somewhere in the middle a flat a3 sized kids book about dinosaurs. Great. Fucking great.

Half an hour later he was commenced in drawing. With thick black vivid strokes he jolted down the outline for a pretty scary monster dinosaur.

Great. Fucking. Great.

Another half an hour later still, he got up from his seat, balancing the tower with one hand slipping me the drawing with the other as he passed me by.

Just. Great.