21 043. Dying

Where the fuck am I, I thought as I stepped out on the street. I started to walk in the direction I think the cab had rolled in from. I wasn’t sure. Actually I could be pretty sure I was wrong. On the other hand, I wasn’t completely sure I wanted to go the direction of the party at all. Then again, did it matter. I laughed to myself, a coarse short laugh. Fuck it. I walked while smoking the cigarette just enjoying the fresh morning afternoon whatever the fuck it was. Again, who cares. When I finished the cigarette I reached down in my pockets to see what treasure laid there. Aw ye my ipod. I forgot that I had decided to take it along. Just in case. Just in case I’d end up sleeping in a random place random part of town and I had to go for a walk. I plugged my earbuds in and turned the music on. ‘Alright babes’ I thought pressing shuffle ‘what you got for me today’. Mmm the horns and then the soft whisper of Al Green “Lets stay together” yeaaa baby. I swagged down along the street. I could use another beer I thought and as if the magic fairy fuckin mother had decended and put some of her blessings on my account, just at that moment I spotted a bill laying on the sidewalk. Just laying there, a 10 pound note, not a soul around. That’s my kind of jam I thought, picked it up and five meters ahead did a sharp left into a kiosk. Before the song ended I was back on the concrete grind with a beer in my hand. 

Life was good.

“Ok, so hang on a second, your telling me you didn’t bang her?” “No, dude, I didn’t ‘bang’ her. I played and she fell asleep on the floor. Nothing happened” “Yea absolutely nothing but her being all over your dick in the elevator, and you are telling me that once you got into the apartment you just chilled out and had a couple of beers, played some videogames and that’s it?” “Yea man, that’s what im telling you. We were just chilling. “And then she left? “Then she left” “Well, you got her number right?” “…” “Don’t tell me you didn’t ask for her fucking number, what are you a complete retard? What about the others, the ones in the cab, they must have her number right.” “I called Brian up, he said he don’t have it. They barely know her. He said he might know someone who knows her email or some shit like that. And he said she doesn’t have a phone.” “Bullshit.” “That’s what he said.” “Well, mate. You fucked up.” “Yea I know I fucking fucked up.” “Maybe she’ll come back, to rub some more on your cock, do that bunny rubbing you know hehe.” “I don’t think so man.” “Why, was she mad?” “No, she kinda just walked out. No hard feelings, and more like, no feelings at all, she just walked as if we had known eachother for ages. She didn’t even say good bye. Like she was walking out to buy smokes.” “So did you check outside? Maybe she is standing on the sidewalk waiting for you to open the fucking door haha.” “She walked.
Im pretty sure she walked.”

I turned and walked away from you. Because, I don’t know fucking up from down anymore. I don’t know who you are. And I’m pretty sure something went wrong somewhere. Now I’m just drifting around at random, connecting and disconnecting without really being involved in any of it. I stopped trying to hold on to you, stopped being afraid of losing you, stopped being afraid of missing signs, stopped being afraid of not playing it right, and frankly, stopped caring. 

I had gone through all the stages of mourning and was a the very last stage of ejecting the tumour. I felt like I had been on a 5 day booze marathon, and that might be right. I stopped counting. I walked into one party, left and fell into another. I might kiss a guy, I might go a bit further, but I didn’t enjoy it much, I didn’t invest a lot in it and I soon got bored. The whole time, these past couple of weeks, the elevator kiss was the only one where I paused and took some time to feel. That guy was hot as fuck.

Oh well. I had quit. I was done. I was so tired of the games. I was emotionally dead. I lived and breathed, but you had killed me.

But, of course, I forgive you. Always I do forgive you.